*`!THE HOLD!`*
Issue 17 February 14, 1999
-------------------------------------------
1998 by Shadow Wall Press
All works copyright their individual authors
Warning: There is a disturbing amount of discussion of flatulence by the columnists in this issue.
Trust me, this was not due to any influence of mine. I think it's a vast, left-wing conspiracy...
Contributors:
trellis
goo
Dave Gitomer
Columnists:
Dolomite
Cait Collins
Editor: Daev
RANTING
Welcome back to another Ranting sport's fans. This time around, I thought I
would give you eager readers something new to wonder about: how I created the
universe. I don't know if I actually did create the universe, but I know that
I must have in one of my past lives*. Here is how it went down:
In the beginning there was nothing. Then I decided that this was boring. You
can only stare at nothing for so long. (Editor's Note: This is not true. I've witnessed the good Dolo stare at nothing for days on end when he should be writing.) So I decided to start something. I began with this huge mass of stuff. This was the rough draft of my creation.
It was immediately scrapped. I thought, "if I was some omnipotent being, how
would I create something to entertain myself with?" I needed a planet teeming
with life. This life could evolve into other stuff, like hookers and flying
cats. I got the giant mass of stuff out of the universal waste bucket, ripped
off a large piece of it, molded it into a sphere, and let it loose into the
cosmic nothingness. I ripped another piece of stuff off the original mass,
molded another sphere, and let it go into the nothingness. I continued this
process another eight times. Then I lit a match (lighters were not invented
yet) to see what the fuck was going on. Hey, it's dark in space dammit!
Well, what I saw made me consider rethinking my great plan. So as my
"planets" floated into the endless space surrounding me, I decided to create
gravity. BOOM there was gravity. This made me feel heavy, but those fucking
planets stopped. I began to regret my plan when the planets started to make
their way back at me in a hurried manner. I turned my back so as not to see the
oncoming collision, and let out a burst of flatulence that instantly engulfed the nearest and largest of the planets, turning it into a hideous, flaming, methane ball. The other planets were just blown slightly back from the force of my rectal burp. I quickly reshaped gravity so that the planets encircled the flaming planet (later called the sun) and not me. I then rested…
Hours passed. Then I realized that life was just bacteria, and that was
boring as fuck. So I decided to push life forward a little. I created oceans
upon two of the planets, but they froze on the one. I intended to drown the
fucking bacteria for being so damn boring. What did those bacteria do? They
turned into fucking fish. "Well, fuck that!" I thought, but I was hungry. So I
left to grab a bite to eat. When I came back, the life-filled planet had
moved and had these big walking lizards on it. Dammit, what the fuck happened
to the bastard fish! Well these fucking dinosaurs were about to learn that
Dolomite is an angry creator-of-the-universe-guy. So I grabbed A nearby
asteroid (God only knows where the fuck this came from) and threw it at the
bastard planet. Life on it became extinct, except for those pesky little
bacteria. To celebrate my victory over the little giant lizards, I took a
nap. When I awoke, I planned to search for another of those asteroids to hit
the planet with, so as to kill those damn bacteria. I found one, but became
lost in the ever-expanding universe (you create one galaxy and all of a sudden
everyone else has to do one). When got back, I found that life on earth had
once again grown by leaps and bounds. These hairless apes were walking around
throwing sticks at everything else. Man, this was entertainment! Then when
night came upon this planet, I saw something that no heterosexual wants to
see. I saw all of the men of this "tribe" begin to grope each other in odd
and horrifying ways. It was a homosexual orgy! Dear God in the whiskey
bottle on my shelf, this was not natural. A voice seemed to speak to me from
somewhere that I could not see. "Create woman, you idiot!" Damn, that is one
good idea. And so it was done. They quickly killed her and had another orgy
in which to celebrate it. Fuck! So I created a batch of women and gave them all
big fucking tits. The men were going to kill them, but were mysteriously
mesmerized by those nice mounds of flesh. Another orgy came about, but this
one included the women. Then another great idea came to me. Make more women.
And so I did, but could not make them with big tits, so I gave them shapely
legs and firm asses. I added them to the growing orgy. Man, that was
entertainment at its best. Then I passed out due to the sudden rush of blood back
to the brain.
When I awoke, I was in my living room and my new porn's credits were rolling
**. As I looked upon the room, I noticed that a bowling trophy was inside my
leaking fish tank. A lamp had fried all of the fish. And somehow there were
several plastic dinosaurs in and around my fish tank. I made an attempt to
get up, but I couldn't muster the strength. I was as though something in my
body wasn't working. Then I realized that it was my legs. I managed to get
them AND the rest of my body to work in synchronization. As I walked to the
kitchen, I stepped on something. It was a fucking milk carton. I picked it
up and noticed the date: best if used by Dec 13 1998. This was a bad thing,
especially since I think I bought it yesterday, and I drank it all with a big
bowl *** of Raisin Bran. I then noticed another box a few feet away. Uncle
Smiley's Cornflakes with Chocolate Chips. I thought that they stopped selling
that in '68 when they found out that the cornflakes were laced with acid? Uhoh.
Dolomite
*Dolomite visits a topless fortuneteller every other Thursday.
** Dolomite's newest porn is "Amazons Teach Cavemen How to Fuck"
*** A big bowl of cereal for Dolomite simply means that he pours milk into the
cereal bag. There is no bowl, just an empty bag when it is all over.
**********************************************
THE FORUM
Golden Wing
dropping my weighty body
onto the soft and cooling grasses
slowing my breathing
easing the pulsebeat
opening
opening
opening
into the feeling of release
and with the expansion
comes the diminishment
and with the diminishment
comes the expanding unqualifiable bliss
and my beautiful wings
nearly forgotten lost
behind the hectic daze
of mundane pursuits
and my beautiful wings
quiver and stretch and
open into that endless space
that before was only me
and my beautiful wings
extend in length until
they span all knowing
all feeling, all being
and my beautiful wings
open until there is nothing in between
open until there is no me
open until there is only one
one great glowing golden wing
and comes the lifting surging flight
in no direction
across no distance
at the very speed of thought
and the burning
beautiful perfection
of the immaculate conception
of quite simply this
now the soaring flight
through the charming musics
of the spheres
through the captivating mists
of myths and awesome entities
through the mongrel bayings and yappings
of the illusory dogs of death
through the attractive beckonings
of the birth of creation
to the absolute silence
the absolute stillness
the absolute contentment
where there is nowhere to go
where there is no remembering
where there is no returning
where there is no thought
where there is absolutely nothing but this
folding
golden
wing
trellis
---------------
God n Me
I spoke to God today
he was angry
on a rusty street corner
I asked him of life
what he told me
he said to not be influenced
by his sour mood
it was all the truth
anyway
that life is so simple
its really nothing at all
your born live and die
thats all thats required
I nodded my head
and on he went
in reality you see
you are all real
but with time
you are not
and without a response
in your lives
you may as well never be
he went on to say
theres one thing life is good for
if you make it that way
learn everyday
every moment
all things are simple tests
to be forgotten
make of them what you will
but never forget
I thanked God for his time
and we shook hands
he went his way
and I crossed the street
I was puzzled a bit
by all he had said
and thought that surely
everything was more profound than this
but then I remembered the first lessen
he gave me that second ago
that its all so simple
so I pushed it from my mind
and continued on my way
goo
------------------
TEN MINUTES TO THE DENTIST APPOINTMENT
I faced my fear, that dogged perennial foe whose
mere apparition formed jagged figments of
phantoms and expectations. it laughed without
a nuance or hint of serenity, the moment of
resolution drew near, its steps echoed in
the marble hallway of my mind's eye. this was
stopped time, dog time and forever time.
its restless resolute relentless destruction of
the current moment was not complete. the
now melted and cowered in trepidation. my
internal equilibrium was no longer stable or even
viable. Could it be that good? Could it be that
bad? questions of intention spoke as clearly
as plastic rubix cubes in chaos. unlovable puzzles
tormented my muddled weeping and crowded
my thought space. I have become a servant to
the demon's incantations that is, was, and has
been the bane of all human experience. shorn
of my armor and short of armament to fight back
my mind, this mind, universal mind lay defenseless.
shackled in the throes of morbid anticipation, I
could no longer look forward. praying for blindness
my soul screamed in agony. my ears were
deafened by the oscillations of self spite. penned
and pinned in the corner, I was hemmed into the cuff
of life and though the plate was full, the
glutton consumed it all and my spirit faced
true starvation.
Dave Gitomer
email: dogentao@villagenet.com
websites:
http://villagenet.com/~dogentao/index.html
http://members.aol.com/freeme123/index.htm
*********************************
GRAFFITI
This issues topic: Gun control
Daev: Did you see 20/20? They did a "story" on cops selling guns that were seized from violent criminals back to gun dealers at yearly auctions. And they actually interviewed a victim of a carjacking and asked her how she felt about the gun that held her up being "back on the street." In fact, they used that phrase a lot. They implied rather strongly that it was the guns themselves that were criminals and that these evil policemen were letting them back out into the general public. Now, this pissed me off so thoroughly that i shut the boob tube off, and my question to you two is this: Gun control. Pro or con?
cait: well, there's nothing funny I have to say about this, that's for
sure! When I was married, for years, my so-called spouse threatened me
with guns: from across the room, to my head, anyway he could, just to
keep me there...jealous s.o.b...
and even now, he shows up every like a bad nightmare,
unexpectedly...and still harasses me...maybe not so much with an actual
gun any longer but, but the look on his face is loaded with unwanted
ammunition. so, sorry, the only thing I have to say on this subject is
the person BEHIND the trigger is the weapon as much as the gun
itself...so, sorry the only reply I have to this is: gun control - YES!
....peace-cait
Dolomite: I must disagree with the idea of gun control. For hunting purposes only. NO
limitations on the amount of guns available, no waiting period, no background
checks, and no illegal firearms of any kind. I don't know about you, but when
I am piss drunk and out hunting in some woods with a human to deer ratio of
3,000:1, I want to use a bazooka or automatic weapon to make sure I hit what I
believe to be a deer. Then, if still conscious, I like to shoot wildly and
safely into the air in an act of celebration and hidden hopes of bagging a
duck (hunter on a platform), or a wild goose (stray pigeon). As far as my
thoughts on idea of guns on the street go, I would like to say that the NRA is
doing its job for providing freedom for all the gun-toting, hatred having,
trigger happy ex-postmen (or women) that has a driver's license or major
credit card. The NRA is not responsible (and what national organization is)
for its member's usage of the alleged merchandise. Those "evil policemen" are
just citizens doing their duty of recycling. After all, recycling does save
the planet.
Daev: I think yr both wrong. You want to keep me from buying a gun? Well, then how are we supposed to protect ourselves from the cons? They're gonna get firearms if they want em and personally i'd like to have a fighting chance if some murderous idiot (possibly a disgruntled ex-reader) breaks into my house. A butter-knife just ain't gonna get it. All gun controls will do is prevent law-abiding citizens from getting them, which may be exactly what the gov't wants. Call me a paranoiac, but if Uncle Sam decides he's tired of listening to us, I'd rather go down biting than just lay on my stomach and take it up the ass. He's got a military, remember, and there's no limit to the # and power of their guns.
cait: I'll take it up the ass...thank you!
Dolo: Umm..., as far as the taking it up the ass goes, well as I have always said,
"I 'll always consider pitching, but never will I catch." And that's my
attitude for the government. I have become the system's bitch while in the
lower ranks of the work force, and dammit, I am tired of it. I fact, maybe I
will go get a gun right now. Then, five days from now, I can pick it up from
the dealer and use it. Of course, that is only if my ID check is a go. That
ID check is just the government's way of making sure which house to send the
homicidal maniac to and which one to send the speed freak armed with a butter
knife to. Hold on, there's a knock on the door....
----------------------------------------------------------
smell ME
feb.-2-
foreplay: this is what you get this time: good luck to all of us!
Since I've moved west a few months ago, I've been living with my
best friend and her husband along with their three dogs, my two dogs and
there's parrots and 3 horses and one pony and a goat and a sheep and a
huge stray matted-fur orange striped cat with a bent tail that is fed
well and does not do us the favor of chasing the wicked, bulgy-eyed
little field mice away who, as it happens, are also fed well by some
means and there are a coupla stray people that live anywhere parked
along the inside portion of the dirt driveway and are NOT fed well…and
there's the dust, but that is not what I want to focus on, this time…
…inside, in the California KING SIZE'd bed , my friend and her husband sleep,
as I call it, upside down. they sleep at the bottom of the bed and she
sleeps on the left side of the bed because she wants to be close to the
bathroom, which in my opinion is best because she always has 'to go'.
and her husband sleeps in the middle to the right side of the bed,
upside down, at the bottom because he has to be nearer to the kitchen
because he is always thirsty or hungry, which in my opinion is best just
because. and I sleep along the top near the headboard or I try too
because I do not have to do any of these things during the middle of the
night except listen to them getting in and out of bed continually. it's
funny, I've noticed that this behavior seems to be a rarity during the
entire day. I've come to the conclusion that this has become a habit
because they do not have time to do these things during their busy
schedule, as I do. so, I've learned to cope and take several naps in the
afternoon. plus the rent is free and there is no need to complain.
but not only that, the 5 dogs also share the same bed, but the
horses, the pony, the parrots, sheep, goat, the huge stray matted-fur
orange striped cat with the bent tail that is fed well, and even the fat
mice and the stray people that are not, do not. even though, there is
something always interesting and entertaining going on underneath the
blankets. there are dog legs and people legs and arms tangled every
which way and snouts in crotches and faces and other places or a paw, at
least I know there's always one or two in one or more of my parts…and
I've heard sniffing in places going on. this may be another reason why
they get up and down so much. I usually 'stay put', tolerate and listen
for other animalistic or strange noises from anybody.
but get this: for the past month or so, we've been trying
desperately to catch 'on video' a time when one of the dogs darts out
from under the blankets, hauls-ass into another room, not to return til
the air clears from when any one of us let's out a fart!
we've imagined world-wide laughs from this, we've imagined easy $$$ from
this; we've imagined a new wardrobe, a new used car, all the ganja we
could ingest at all of the parties we could throw, all the booze,
allthat and all we'd have to do is capture this spectacle on tape and
send it along to Funniest Home Videos and collect our easy, grand
reward!
not so! this has become a very frustrating chore. we not only have
this planned now but we all sleep with charged palm-corders under our
pillows and 'the clapper'™ has been installed, so we would get instant
light, the room is messed up for the au natural effect and we even wake
one another up and warn each other when the next fart is coming, just so
we're ready! and someone's always ready for a wicked one, it seems. but
so far, when this happens (ALL NIGHT LONG); one of us gets out or falls
out of the bed due to the hurriedness and then the parade begins: ALL of
the god damn dogs start getting out of the bed too, BEFORE the fart lets
loose. so now, the spontaneous reaction has vanished. and now we're left
with a stinking room and the loss of an entire nights sleep.
but we shall succeed at this for not only I, but my friends are
beginning to take more naps during the day, less piss, shit and snack
breaks in the middle of the night, taking stock in toothpicks (fr the
eyelids) and for the past month, we all have been reprimanded for
cussing out shopping cart-passers-by at Ralph's grocery store. I hate
Ralph's, he's too expensive anyway but I suppose he needs the extra for
roach feed. (blah, blah, blah…I'm delirious for lack of something…)
but we will not lose confidence and we know some day soon (I
fuckin' pray) and if we fart enough and maybe tranquilize all of the
other dogs that do not jump out of the bed, we'll be the proud owners of
$10,000! yes! we'll all be partying before too long! I know it…
---it's that time again-night(I hope) dAev-*yawn*
(yer invited. I'll let you know!)
cait collins
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