*`!THE HOLD!`*
Issue 18 March 3, 1999
1998 by Shadow Wall Press
All works copyright their individual authors
==============================================
It finally happened. The Almighty Daev has gotten web access and therefore, his very own homepage. That is also the reason for this very late and very abbreviated issue of The HOLD. I apologize and pledge that not only will the next issue be on time, but will be so jam-packed as to make reading it in one sitting well-nigh impossible. Check out my homepage at
http://AlmightyDaev.web-page.net
Feel free to add a link to it on your own pages. or not.
I have also created two messageboards. One, called Graffiti, is for you dedicated readers of The HOLD. You not-so-dedicated readers may come, too. Go to http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb369306
The other board is entitled Anti-Sectarian Buddhism, and i think the name speaks for itself. If you want to spout dogma, go elsewhere, but if you just want to share some profound truths, ask questions, or just look, point your browser to http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb370884
And, finally, there is a new email address to reach me at: almitedaev@email.com
Contributors: Cait Collins
Columnists: Dolomite
Cait Collins
Editor: Daev
Columnists:
Dolomite
Cait Collins
Editor: Daev
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Feedback
"Golden Wing" by trellis is superb! I was captivated by this poem!
also: "God n Me" by goo was most interesting and well crafted.
Margaret C. Rigsby
Contributing Editor - A Writer's
Choice Literary Journal
My Pages - KAT'S KAT'S POETRY and other stuff
RANTING
Well, the great Dolomite has now completed a very trying time for himself.
It was painful and very messy. Hell, I almost passed out doing it. I have
never seen so much blood leak from a single part of the body. When the
screaming ended, I managed to get to the nearest phone and make a
reservation for the next ambulance. I am sure you have questions about how the great
dolomite is doing and how he got in this predicament in the first place.
Though it is a very common, painful experience, mine was very unique in how it
came about. Here is how it went down:
I was enjoying a nice evening alone at one of my favorite restaurants when
I spotted a gorgeous woman walk in. She went straight to the bar and had the
eye of every man in the place staring at her amazing figure. She was a
goddess walking among us mortals. Quite frankly, she looked good and I gave
her my full erection… I mean attention, attention dammit! As I eyed her over and prayed to all deities that I could think of for the express purpose of having them help me remember what she looked like after she left, another woman came into the restaurant. She was just as gorgeous, except she was a brunette while the other woman was a blonde. She walked over to the blonde, sat down next to her, and kissed her!
Now I, like most of the guys in the restaurant, was completely spell bound and engorged in a rather obvious manner. I decided that God was giving his bitch (me, for I am God's personal bitch) a chance at momentary happiness/pleasure/fantasy. It turned out that it was another one of his jokes. I quickly thought of my parents having sex, so that
I could stand up and approach these two ladies without the initial notice of the tightness of my pants. I approached with a sense of uncertainty, as though I had forgotten to do something. I immediately ordered a Sprite (I am underage and didn't want to give that away right away). As I waited for the drink, I looked over at the ladies and smiled. I received the drink and made the attempt at small talk. Unfortunately, both ladies could only stare at my crotch. I must admit that this slightly excited me. I began to drink my
Sprite when I heard the one whisper, "Look, it's getting bigger." It is now that I offer some advice to all those reading. Never drink from a cup and look down at the same time. Always try to hold the drink in a stationary position and then look down. As one can infer, I forgot to do this. Instead I looked down to see how she could notice my growing
excitement and spill my Sprite down my shirt front, pants, and onto my shoes.
These ladies were quicker than the average Dolomite. They grabbed their napkins and
proceeded to wipe as much Sprite as possible off my pants, in particular the region surrounding my crotch. I was simply stunned, and was preparing to salute them for their efforts at eye level. It was then, as I looked down at the two goddess drying my pants, that I noticed what had made them stare earlier and what it was I forgot to do. I had forgotten to zip my fly. I quickly tried to excuse myself to zip up, but they insisted on drying me off. I could not stop my little friend's advancement into the outside world, so I tried to back away and zip up all in on smooth motion. I now know why so many guys turn around to zip up. I regrettably was overanxious and zipped without first pushing my friend inside. I could only scream at the horror of the situation. I had nearly Bobbitted myself and in front of two beautiful women. I bled like a broken water fountain. It was going all over the place. All I could think was, "No, no I still have to unzip. Dear God why must you punish me so!" Thankfully, I never had to unzip. The one lady was herself
panicking and being sprayed with blood. However, she found the strength to do what I could not. She unzipped me, and paid the price. What was a simple spraying before turned into a bloody version of the SuperSoaker 2 million. She was actually thrust onto her back by the force of the now drenching spray of blood coming from my crotch.
Being the level-headed person that I am, I quickly ran around the room
screaming, "Oh God. It won't stop bleeding. Stop the bleeding. For the
love of all that is good and alcoholic, make the bleeding stop!" After tripping
on one of the running bodies, I was relieved to discover that I was about to pass out and no one had called an ambulance. So I proceeded over to the bartender, politely asked for the phone while bleeding all over the nearest stool, asked for an
ambulance, and lost consciousness. Next thing I know, I wake up and see a shape
moving toward my crotch and I hear, "Doctor, I am now injecting the pain-
killer directly into the base of the scrotum." To this I screamed and
passed out yet again.
When I awoke next, I was alone in a hospitable bed with bandages wrapped around my lower regions like a pair of Mummy brand briefs and the two beautiful ladies are sitting next to me making out. The one is feeling up the other while her own breasts were exposed. All of a sudden, I hear and feel stitches being popped and my Mummy brand briefs are now turning from off-white to a deep scarlet. The one woman notices me staring and bleeding, so she goes to fetch the doctor while her partner apologizes
because they didn't know how long I would be out. The blonde returned with the
doctor and apologized in the same manner as her partner had.
The doctor then quickly restitched me and handed me my bill. The two women offered to take the bill, since it was their fault in a way. I agreed and left before the doctors' could implant that chip in my brain. That's right, you know they do it. Why else would we continually pay their ridiculously high bills?
Dolomite
**********************************************
THE FORUM
**pikes peak**
and the next thing
I knew
the tractor-trailer
that had kept
pace with me
fell
behind and
flipped
over
midway between
the shoulder
of the highway
and the right-
hand lane
on the Pa. turnpike
near
Pittsburgh.
O SHIT!
and I pulled over
to the edge
of the road
next to a sign
that warned me
of falling
rock
and my sweat spurt like
spit
against
the window
as I erratically
pressed
the electric button
and I looked
out
and back
toward the over-
turned truck.
Christ almighty
there was no
movement
back
there!
many other
people started to
stop ...
abandoned
cars began
piling
everywhere…
and siren
sounds
came from the opposite
direction and
they grew close,
loud,
exact
and 3 state police
cars screamed
those dirty emotions
of that driver and
me
and they moved unsteadily
across the muddy median
toward the truck…
and the mid-summer
sweltered like him and I
as we drove along
and it was mid-
day and
it was good
and that truck
and that driver
were still
still…
O GOD!
and a tow truck
arrived before
long with
its thick hook
clanking against
it's back sides
like cymbals
in an orchestra…
and the whole disturbance
became
quite intense and
deafening…
and I thought of the police
searching for a witness
and a young couple
rushed out
of their car
and they approached
mine and asked
what happened
and I told them I didn't know
as I raised the window quickly
and I pulled away
pulling my
pants
up
praying
the truck driver
did too.
©cait collins 02.23.99
**divine pews**
turn your life off
for a Sunday hour:
move like devotion
unfold your hands
and stuff your head
in a prayer
act like contrition
maintain the modern
dress code;
(everyone looks like a
temporary Easter lily
through a stained-
glass eye)
listen to the same
sermon a year later
and don't forget to swallow
the weekly bulletin.
mimic the holy
authority:
chain yourself to a candle
with a donation and
honor thy concrete
supremacy
and worship the mafia
have faith in secret spiritual
molestation;
lie like a saint from
hell
place your picture on a medal
and bless yourself with
a short-lived sin
suck on visions of holy water
and pink flesh apparitions
then allow God to melt in your mouth
and be convinced that your soul is
saved
and sing alleluia to the almighty $
understand how heaven
is heaved up our asses
thou shalt believe in the magic of the mass's…
that they should sit
temporarily
trapped within
the forgiveness of
these divine pews
lined with 'bless me fathers'
and have faith
in eternal salvation
is more than
a miracle.
©cait collins 02.24.99
The Rest of This Issue – is lost