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Ranting - september 99
by: Dolomite
Welcome back, oh wondrous readers of this wondrous magazine. I have been
commissioned by a few oppressed students to write a Ranting against the idea
of school uniforms in the city of Erie, PA. Now I, being the lazy and
sloth-like creature that I am, decided that two Rantings were just too much
for me to do in one month, so it will also be considered my usual Ranting.
Now, back to the issue at hand…
The idea of school uniforms has been around for many years. School
uniforms were first introduced in the fall of 1846, at least as far as my
recollection and the purposes of this Ranting serve. They were a way to have
poor children afford a decent pair of clothes for school. I cannot agree
more with the need for decent clothing back in those days. Imagine Olaf, the
village idiot's son, marching into school (all 400 pounds of flesh on his
5'4" frame) and all he is wearing is old potato sack. Normally this would be
sufficient, but the intelligence of Olaf's family combined is the same as
that sack. Because of this fact, Olaf has the sack on his head. He is also
wearing one boot, one sock (not on the same foot of course), and his only
pair of briefs, which incidentally were briefly washed a month ago. As this
image of Olaf dictates, it was hard for Johnny-learn-a-little to concentrate
on his ABC's when he notices that Olaf's briefs have only one white patch on
them and it is the elastic that was recently added to hold up the poor lad's
briefs. Let us agree that back then, school uniforms were definitely needed.
Now it is over a century and a half later, and this idea is still an
issue! Well, I guess someone should look over the issues from all angles.
Then again, this is America. We never do that. We look at things in
whatever direction proves our point. I have heard the majority of reasons
for the officials to want school uniforms. They are usually "It will bring
down school violence", "It will increase school unity", and the infamous "It
has worked for other school districts". Well, the Great and Mostly Benign
Dolomite will consider this issues with the delicacy that I am known for.
It will bring down school violence. True, I will admit, it will bring
down school violence in the short run. That is because the students will
never find the person the want to hurt. All they will see is a mass of
similarly dressed kids that look more depressed than a drunken rodeo clown.
Then suicide and drug abuse will go up. Think of it. If a teenager is
depressed, he will either get drunk, high, or dead. And public schools are
practically Drug Factory Warehouse Outlet 'R Us's already. Don't add to
that. And besides, after a while, the students will remember what it use to
be like, and they will rebel. There will be a bloody revolution within the
school. And that will only raise your school's violence-o-meter.
It will increase school unity. Whoever told you this does not know a
single teenager, nor do they remember their teenage years correctly. In
today's world, school unity is about as common as a celibate politician that
can still achieve an erection. If you are having trouble selling tickets for
the football game, then come up with some useful promotions like "Free Six
Pack Night". No one is going to your Homecoming? Then how about a swimsuit
or a wet T-shirt contest. Are your Parent-Teacher Conferences ending up with
turnouts that akin to those of a Major League Soccer game? Then turn them
into Parent-Teacher Boxing Conferences. Make that mom earn her child's new
grade.
It has worked for other schools. Liar! You horrible, horrible liar!
Didn't your mother teach you anything? Do not tell lies. If all of the
other kids jumped off of a bridge, would you do it? Hmmm? No, you wouldn't.
Now, if it has worked so well for other schools, why do you think they still
have the same test scores, same violent act per student ratio, and even more
hurt teachers? Because it didn't you stupid fuck! Gosh-dammit! I hate when
people listen to others blindly. Think for your fucking self. The only
reason these schools are telling you it worked is because they don't want to
be the only ones that fell for this idiot trap. It's like a fucking
infomercial, and they just got to the on-the-street-reviews section. Ron
Popeil just got to the price of this "marvelous new idea" and you are already
on the phone ordering up because this easy to use, microwave safe, dishwasher
safe, nuclear fallout safe, lightweight miracle of Space Age technology comes
with a bonus prize if you order in the next fifteen seconds. That's right,
order now and you will receive numerous dumb looks, over twenty death
threats, and a general dislike of you by your student population. And if you
promise to tell a friend of this glorious new educational tool, then you will
receive a free carbombing, compliments of your quiet students in the
trenchcoats. Stupid fucker.
Let me just finish this Ranting with the insight of one who has seen Hell
and all that is not offered there (toiletries and deodorant are two prime
examples). Let the kids wear what they want, to a degree. Don't let Olaf
wear anymore sacks, but allow the gangbangers to wear their little gang
colors. Don't worry. There is a 78% chance that they won't live past the
age of 30. The kid sitting next to them may have a 89% chance of going to
Harvard, but if he is stupid enough to wear the other gang's colors, then he
wouldn't of made it far in Harvard anyways. But let the hot sluts, I mean
women, wear their skirts as short as they like. The boys in class are
already distracted by the bright sphere in the sky, adding another
distraction will not hurt them anymore.
Dolomite
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