Ranting - august 99
by:  Dolomite

     Have you, the readers of the nearly infamous Dolomite, been noticing the increase in self-help programs available to the American public nowadays? There is a program for every idiot out there. From weight loss to addiction control, there are actual programs out there for those that need the help. However, no one can ever find them because of all the crap that is placed in front of it on the video shelves. Instead of getting Twelve Easy Steps to A New Sober Life, you can only find Christian Slater's Guide To Sobriety. When you want Lose Weight/Feel Great: The Rhyming Guide to Weight Loss, you end up with Why Wait/Don't be Straight: The Homosexual Guide to Premarital Sex. Instead of getting actual assistance, you are only more confused and indebt.
     How did this happen? I remember a time when if a kid was fat (not overweight or big-boned, but simply fucking fat!) and tired of being teased about it, the bloated pig would put down the bucket of animal lard and start doing some sit-ups to work away the flab. Nowadays, that fat kid puts a check for $19.95 in the mail for his Cindy Crawford workout video. Six weeks later, he gets the video, puts it in the machine, and "stretches out" with his one wrist. This is how the idea that masturbation was synonymous with exercise came about. It's not exercise dammit! Trust me on this one fatty. If it were, well, ol' Dolomite would be Mr. Universe twice over. At least the girl next door that downs only veggie-shakes while throwing up any air she might have swallowed while jogging past that fast food restaurant, well... she's trying. You and your "two minute routine" are as effective for your health as a Twix bar.
      And speaking of eating only vegetables, who the fuck do these hypocritical Vegans think they are? How dare you try to block my entrance to any McDonalds simply because their burgers use 50% real meat byproducts. Its not like your palate doesn't kill. How many vegetables died to make you that salad? I kill one cow; I can feed anywhere from two to twenty people. Your little carrot can barely suffice for a snack. If another one of you sticks another "Meat is Murder" sign in my face, I am going to stick your precious carrot up your ass, take an apple to gag your mouth, and Dolomite's going to have himself a little Veganque in his backyard. Fucking hypocrites. Put down that putty that you call tofu, grab a real hamburger, and enjoy your place at the top of the food chain.
     You want a self-help video; well, I will give you a twelve-step program that is guaranteed to cure you permanently of your current problem.

Step 1. Turn off the television. Enough is enough. Think for yourself, as soon as you're done listening to me.
Step 2. Grab a case of beer and open it. (Alcoholics can skip these steps; they have their own twelve steps.)
Step 3. Down two beers now. NOW DAMMIT, NOW!!!
Step 4. Get up and touch your nose with each hand separately.
Step 5. Repeat steps three and four until you can no longer accomplish step four.
Step 6. Eat a hamburger. It will not only soak up some of the alcohol, but it will also give you something to look at in some of the later steps.
Step 7. Say the following statements three times: I will stop being a fucking sheep in the herd. I will stray from the flock. I will enjoy the field in which we all live in.
Step 8. Have a few more beers.
Step 9. Drag your sorry carcass to your bathtub, with the rest of the beer in tow, and continue drinking until you pass out.
Step 10. When you awaken, with an enormous hangover, think to yourself: how did I get here?
Step 11. I'll tell you how! You listened to someone else instead of think for yourself you fucking idiot! Think for yourself. Solve your own damn problems.
Step 12. Piss. You know you have to. Go ahead. It will be the only enjoyment for the next couple of hours. I hope you learned your lesson.

Dolomite

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