PULL MY FINGER - dec. 99
by: Shannon Michele Johnston
Here Gerbil, Gerbil...
I need to know what the excitement is all about! This thing with the gerbils. Is it really that much of a turn-on to insert a gerbil into your ass with a tube and a flame?
And there seems to be some controversy about the flame. Some say the flame is to encourage the gerbil to climb into the hot and presumably unpleasant climate of the rectum, as it refuses to venture there on its own.
But according to a newspaper article I read some years ago, the flame was to check on the gerbil's whereabouts, which is what one couple was doing when a pocket of flammable gasses erupted. The gerbil, I believe its name was Kiki, was shot back through the tube with such enormous force that he broke the nose of the man that was looking through the tube trying to locate him.
The other man, the one which had Kiki successfully accommodated, suffered third degree burns to his entire intestinal tract because Kiki's fur caught fire..
Now, this raises so many questions here, and has been such a long-discussed subject that I decided what the hell. I would look to my readers this month to help me out on this controversy since I am neither a gerbil user, nor do I know any.
First question, what is the flame for? Is it to locate the gerbil or to chase it up into the body cavity?
Question two, why the need for a gerbil anyway? What is the romantic allure that a gerbil would possess, over a nice, hard penis? Which reminds me of a few things. I have heard that in order to prevent being scratched internally, gerbil users may cut the feet off of the gerbil, and that the dying quiver of the gerbil in the ass---is indeed the turn-on.
Then why did the above mentioned couple name their gerbil? Naming an animal certainly implies that it is a pet. Did the above couple have a single use gerbil, or did they believe in gerbil recycling? Seems that they did not engage in gerbil mutilation prior to the insertion of their gerbil. It also appears that they were retrieving their gerbil when their unfortunate mishap occurred.
Also, what about cleanliness? How does one prep their gerbil for insertion? Is it treated with alcohol or something? And in the case of the single use gerbil, which lucky gerbil user gets to bathe the gerbil afterward? Or do they even bother to bathe the gerbil?
Ewwwww.
These questions have been grist for many a conversation over coffee between classes, that I almost researched the evils and pleasures of gerbil usage to deliver an informational speech on it in college. However, I decided against it knowing that there would be future opportunities to discuss this mysterious gerbil thing.
And why is it that our gerbiling couple managed to "train" their gerbil for insertion, while others find it necessary to mutilate them? Is there a guide written on how to train your gerbil for insertion? Why haven't the animal rights activists campaigned against this seemingly cruel and inhumane treatment of gerbils? Isn't it morbid to put a gerbil up your ass?
What is the technical name for gerbiling? Is gerbiling reserved for homosexuals or is it a heterosexual sport as well? I guess it really isn't a sport though is it? It includes an animal for pleasure, which technically would be considered a sport, kinda like hunting. I guess the challenge would be in retrieving the gerbil, once it has been inserted. But the sexual aspect of it eliminates it as a sport, I would think. Help me out here.
And then what happens when and if the gerbil cannot be retrieved? Do gerbil users go to the doctor to have their gerbils removed? And do the doctors have special gerbil removing instruments developed specifically for the purpose?
My children recently asked me for a gerbil. I imagined them looking up each other's asses through a tube holding a flame. And how would I ever explain THAT to CPS, if they ever heard about the gerbil thing and decided to try it. Na, I don't see any gerbils in our future, but I did promise them a turtle.
