PULL MY FINGER - nov. 99
by: Shannon Michele Johnston
INFLATUATIONS
I did this to myself. Believe me, I've been kickin' myself in the ass ever since.
This is a my pants are inchin' up my crotch kinda column, so I am going to just let it out. Cept' in public. NOT!
Anyway, some years ago I did this marriage thing. Then some years later I did it again. Then some 6 months after these type of things are legal, what did I do? You got it.
ONLY this time I was making sure it was the real thing. That it would be one of those, "she died silently in her sleep next to grandpa," sort of things.
Well guess what! You guessed it! "Here I sit all broken-hearted, tried to shit but only farted." And speaking of.
Things started out well enough. Romantic, sweet just the way we like it. THEN! Sleeping sublimely one night, cuddled into a love-scented pillow I awoke abruptly to bed-trembling, blanket-blowing tremors.
"What the fu..." I fumbled around in unsustained bliss and sat upright in the dark to the fear of an earthquake when the deep inner rumbling of guttural sounds caught my attention. Not mine, his.
Frightened, I dove under the covers, what a mistake that was! Certain we had been infiltrated by the gaseous warfare of So Damn Insane, I jumped from the bed clutching at my throat in the remorseful throes of, "oh my god, we're gonna die," when the sudden after blast hit.
Eyes wide with shock and thinking that no human could produce such a sound and actually live, I checked for a pulse and fleshy craters of exploded flesh in the pelvic area.
All remained intact, however, and thinking all was finally calm, I slid back into bed, snuggled into my pillow and drifted once again into blissful slumber.
"Chu-chu-chu, smack, smack, chu-chu, smack, chu-Chu-CHU!" Brought me back to the world of awake. What the fuck is this shit, I thought. Watching this perfectly oblivious creature release nasal sounds that would surely wrest the most normal brain from its nest and plunge it fluidly through the eye sockets. This is unbelievable. I tossed and kicked the covers for a moment, got up to check to see if all the lights up and down the street were on, got a glass of water and went back to bed.
Seeking hands sensed my movement and pulled me to the center of the source of all this, for fear that if it went off again, it would take me with it, I inched away for safety.
I laid still, thinking that the slightest movement would trigger another round of explosions when by some miracle, I fell back to sleep, only to be shaken back to consciousness with e-e-e-e-r-p! No way! Not in a million years, could this many bodily functions be taking place at once in the middle of the fucking night!
Unreal! Fluke incidents right? Shit no. That great body of functions, I learned, waited all day to save it up for when it is in bed with me and then, to add injury to insult, when the dawn of day approaches and 4:00 am is ruling, libido comes to steal my sleep.
You have to be kidding. You want me to fuck you now, too? Not only was I kept awake all night hearing and smelling your ass, your stomach contents and feeling shell-shocked from your nasal passages, you want me to be romantic? Ha!
I learned. I went to the furniture store and purchased a very big couch.