Ranting - nov .99
by:  Dolomite

     Welcome back to another Ranting. This time around, I shall tackle the concept of live college football. Now, I have never seen a live college football game. I have seen teams like Penn State, Notre Dame, and Michigan all play on the television. The game that I was able to attend, however, was a game between a small liberal arts school and a small state school. Nonetheless, I was ready for an interesting afternoon. However, the truly interesting thing began to happen the night before.
     It all started most ominously. I awoke from this horrible nightmare by the sound of my alarm clock, which I don’t remember setting. In this bad dream, I was in a local porn shop. I was just browsing when I came upon this beautiful, life size, blow-up doll (very realistic in detail). I could help but stare at it. That’s when I heard someone yell, “Hey, stop staring at our girl.” I turned to see four or five football players, all wearing red and white uniforms. When I began to step aside, the leader saw my gooey appreciation all over the doll. He let out a war whoop and they all charged me. I tried to run away, but I was could get away. I looked down, got off the treadmill I was on (I don’t know how it got there either), and started for the door. The good thing about running away from someone in a porn shop is that your chasers are always distracted by the many books, posters, movies, vibrating objects, and other objects strewn across the shop. I managed to make it to the door at full steam and without incident. Unfortunately, my momentum got the better of me and carried me past the door and dumped me into the street. Seriously, it was a large costumed avenger with the name “Dolomite’s Momentum” labeled across his chest (again, I have no idea where this came from). That’s when I heard the siren. I turned to see a large ambulance bearing down on me That was when I awoke to me mysteriously set alarm clock.
     Panting for the oddest reason, I grabbed a towel, a pair of boxers, and some soap for a nice refreshing soak in the communal shower. Then I remembered the alarm. I went back in the room, turned that damn alarm off, and then headed to the shower area again. Once there, I found a gay porn magazine. That ruined my mood for a relaxing shower, especially when I thought I saw that cover in my dream. Already it was a bad day and it was only 11 am. No more expired beer for me.
     Afternoon swiftly came (I did wake up at 11), and with it, the game. Me and my roommate went up to the game. Since I had never been there before, I decided to check out the field. I spotted and ambulance across the field on the opponents side. The driver spotted me and waved for the oddest of reasons. I returned this gesture by screaming like a girl and running ahead to find a seat. I managed to calm down until the opposing team took the field. They had red and white jerseys on!
     The first half went by without incident, or much coring for that matter. There were a few drunks that had the usual masterful play-by-play commentaries. They basically consisted of “Dude, he caught the pass” and “Hey, they kicked that one down field” and of course “Aww man, the field goal was no good”. I think the next John Madden was right behind me, drunk off of too many substances to name and unable to get up.
     My school ended up with a small victory. It was by about four or five points. With the game over, I headed back to the room. Since it was a shorter walk by going past the opponents side, that is the way I took. I got the occasional sneer and jest, but much of the walk went without incident. Then I got to the ambulance. The driver was opening the doors and yelling for everyone to get out. Inside were four or five football players and one lone, naked cheerleader that looked a lot like the blow-up doll in my nightmare. Then the one player spoke those horrible words, “Hey, stop staring at our girl.” I did a quick jaw-dropping take, took a few steps in the direction of my dorm, and said one of the stupidest things I have ever uttered.
     “At least this time I didn’t shoot a load on her before you got here.”
     The speaker started to get up, but I was already on my way to my dorm. I was in my room and under the covers before he even got out of the vehicle. And I stay there even now.

Dolomite

     *Yes, that was even stupider than that time I walked up to that horse trainer and asked her if she thought seven inches was enough to satisfy her.
     She was manually masturbating her horse to get a sperm sample at the time.